Connections

Why is it that in some people we form such deep connections with almost instantaneously and others it takes years of building? Most people you never have a connection with, they just walk in and out of your life. Buying a candy bar here, spilling a soda there, yelling at the same traffic light. But, as quickly as they came, they depart.

How is it that I have lost the ability to determine the connections between me and others? Did Count really screw me up bad enough that I can't connect like I used to? That scares me so much but it reverberates as truth in my bones so it must be, at least mildly, true. I'm afraid to be stuck this way forever, lacking the ability to connect the way I used to. To anything; music, poetry, art, friends. I can only describe how I feel as...lacking. The emotion I previously had has been stolen from me. And now I am a void of something. Something I'm afraid I'll never be able to get back.

Is it possible to lose your soul? Can someone truly steal it from you, in the night? Creature of the night. Count, you have failed me so. And I had such high hopes for us, even if I always knew they weren't true. So, why did I listen? Why, oh why..someone please tell me, did I choose to love you? Regardless? If I knew so exactly how this would all play out, why did I stay and risk the beauty that was me? Count, you have stolen myself away from me. I want her back. You can have the apathy and the jadedness, they bring me nothing but regret and sadness.

I really need my own place

Every night for the past week, I've dreamed about life in my own apartment. Just me, and Yoda. Some roommates if we must (you know, because I'm in college and we can't afford the rent but still feel the need to live on our own...off campus). I'm not kidding either; my dreams seriously have been revolving around this.

Well, my own place and Dave Navarro. BUT who can blame me for that one?

*contented sigh*

ANYWHOO, as I was saying...a new place on my own would be great. I think it might be next fall before that happens (lot's of plans...lot's going on, lot's of previous commitments you know the drill). But I can't wait. There are so many reasons it's not even funny, first being because I'm a twenty-something (A YOUNG one) and haven't lived outside of my parent's house even once. Second, well...a conversation from my dad might help.

I guess to really get the gist of it you've got to understand that I live with my dad on a ranch 30 minutes from the nearest town (and an hour and a half from my school ugggh). I "work" for him, which really means I'm at his constant disposal. I've got to admit for the most part my job is easy. I drive him to town, pick up my sisters...occasionally feed horses, babysit, and clean the house. It really is easy, and I hate that I'm writing this blog bitching about it. BUT I AM. Because I damn well can. And possibly because I feel justified in doing so by this:

I'm sitting on the couch with my sister helping her do math homework when I mention I have homework to do myself and me and my sister joke around about swapping. She's ten, I'd kill for my homework to be THAT easy. We had gone riding on Saturday and me (being an idiot I admit) thought I could just ride in my dad's GIANT saddle, knowing the stirrups to be far far far too long for my short frame. Anyway, I did it, and I did it well I've gotta admit. Cantering (for those of you not horse-savvy that means "jogging" in horse style...basically) wildly around the paddock with my thighs glued to the horse like the BEAST thighs that they are (psych). So, I've been walking with a serious limp just about everywhere and people keep asking why. I say "I was riding bareback (oh ya added emphasis on the whole no stirrup thing...I went from saddle to bareback...to make it sound as difficult as it was) for an hour and a half (another blatant lie, it couldn't have been more than twenty minutes but I don't want to sound like a total loser ok?) at a canter and now I'm just really sore."

I can't even begin to describe how sore I am. I wake up at night hurting, I didn't know being this sore was possible.

I must''ve been using damn near every muscle in my body to keep from falling off. However, I have NOT been limping in front of the father. Why? Because that would be showing how weak I am. Anyway back to the main point.

Dad: "Oh, ya sooo the dishes are starting to really stink....is that something you think you could ya know...DO tonight? Would that be possible?" I know this sounds nice. But use a REALLY condescending tone and you'll understand how I responded...

Me: "Ya, UH think YOU could help out?"

Dad: "I'm not getting paid." ooooh slap me in the face why don'tcha pa. You're right. You're NOT getting paid, and consequently neither am I. Ok, ok. You JUST paid me from three weeks ago and everything else you owe. Ya, I still had to scrape by for a bit.

Me: "Dad, you haven't done a single dish the entire time I've been here. You preach to Mason about how she should 'just help out because she's family and if she uses a dish she shouldn't mind washing them, it's the right thing to do.'" Ya, it's true...he said that to my sister. and he hasn't done ANY himself. Doesn't he know children follow their parent's actions NOT their words? Duh. So I explained (embarrassed...VERY) how sore I was and how it hurt just to stand. Pretty sure he thought I was just making up some BS which, to be fair, isn't something I wouldn't do or anything. But still.

So, I did the dishes. and I did them by myself. and I'll just be damn happy when I get that 250 on friday.

and he better damn well pay me for it.

So, cheers to fall...and living on my own. :)

There's a feeling in the air

teasing me;

like a piece of candy

hanging just out of reach.

Something just around the corner

waiting.

Nothing could ever be this empty,

yet so very full.

the world is spinning

madly

in circles I can't seem to

fathom

the importance

STOP

sit

and listen

faint whisper

I hear you

faint whisper

I hear you

the world is spinning

madly

in circles I can't seem to

fathom

the importance

STOP

sit

and listen

STOP

sit

and listen

do you feel it beating?

do you feel it creeping?

faint whisper

I hear you.

Texas

Surrounded by a circle of friends,
in this
warm
thick
weather
cloaked like a blanket
on my frail, northern shoulders.
enveloped by the love of my friend-family,
in this
humid
lush
weather
cloaked like a blanket
on my frail, northern shoulders.
this is
exactly
what the doctor ordered.

lost

so hard to find the words for what I'm feeling

a mixture of abandonment, a pinch of anger

and a whole universe of lost.

it's just that everything I write feels inadequate

even the flowers seem to lack their previous luster

and although this moment shall be fleeting,

as if I don't know the sun will shine tomorrow,

I have found motivation in the emptiness

you have given me.

I have found motivation in the fragile caress

of the cavernous void left after a raging fit of anger

and once again I find nothing makes sense, but to write.

To pour my soul into meaningless words

written on paper or digitized into a world

where they will all soon be forgotten

to everyone, but their author.

And isn't it man-kind's goal to leave behind a legacy?

to make something worth remembering?

and how shall I be remembered?

as the girl who smiled too much...

laughed too loudly...

felt too quickly...?

what drab bit of nothingness will be my legacy?

it won't be the poetry, the tenderness

the way my skin leaps aflame at the hint of your touch.

it won't be the artistry, the passion

the way I long for that perfect kiss.

it won't be the intelligence, the insanity

the way my heart can't seem to function if you're not around.

No, it won't be any of these things...

...unless of course

It's what I force them to see.

Dear Internet,

I apologize for my absence, the end of a semester is always fast paced and gets me crazy busy.

So, let me update you a little on my outrageously boring-but-fast-paced month. I've driven to montana and back. Gone to the Oregon Coast, got incredibly lost in Portland, spent four or more hours searching for my car. Almost ran out of gas about ten miles outside of Spokane, BUT DIDN'T. Spent about a week pretending life didn't exist with my buddy, and now I'm playing catch up to finish all the things I need to do for life. The week was worth it.

Now, the semester is over, and summer begins. I promise laughter soon. But for now it's the hustle and bustle of getting prepared to get the heck on the road home.

Adieu.

It's charming, that look given me
from lucid blue eyes so deep...

they might stretch for miles if given the choice.

the choice to wander, to never walk a path of normality

my spirit laughs not knowing what to say

or what to think

or how to feel.

so lost.

forced to wander, to never walk a path of normality

might stretch for miles.

that look given me

is lost, so charming.